Happiness

(January 13, 1999)

If we are not happy, it is because no one has given us permission to be.

The hardships and stresses of those who went before us make us wonder if we have a right to do better. Do we have permission to outlie, outdo, outwork all those who went before us? Have we given our children permission to be stronger, better, and more intelligent than we are? Or have we told them to adhere to their roots instead of respecting them? Have we made them caretakers, or have we set them free to be strong builders on firm foundations?

Permission is hard to come by when we wait and wait for someone to tell us we have done well, that we have earned the right to be mature, respected adults. No, we give ourselves permission to grow, to live long and well, to prosper and be in good health.

I can tell my children that the way to get honor is to go to work and be good men and women.

Peace, Tawanka

Forgiveness

In the last 48 hours, the overriding theme in my life has been that of forgiveness. I see places where I hope it heals, when it's given. I've had reason myself to be contrite, and hoped that my apologies solicited mercy. It's taken both serious and fairly lighthearted forms - corresponding to the magnitude of the transgression. Nonetheless, this focus makes me value the idea of forgiveness all the more.

It continues to amaze me that humans are capable of an idea like forgiveness. Of course, it's predicated upon a decision to forgive, which given the keystone of free will in all humanity, means that forgiveness is never a forgone conclusion.

Those who realize that forgiveness is a decision also understand that it is not often an easy decision. Pain, frustration, anger and stubbornness all stand in the way of forgiveness at one point or another. One must simply hope that a divine grace intercedes during these times and that eventually, forgiveness is granted and soon thereafter, peace is realized for everyone involved.

Forgiveness has many names, perhaps an outward symbol of the prevalence and necessity of the act in our world.

Among those names: benefaction, beneficence, benevolence, caritas, charity, clemency, compassion, compassionateness, favor, forbearance, forgiveness, grace, generosity, good will, goodness, indulgence, kindliness, kindness, leniency, lenity, love, mercy, pardon, quarter, reprieve, responsiveness, tenderness.

I don't find it unusual to look that list and find several that speak to my history of forgiveness, words which resonate more with me than perhaps with you. Those words define forgiveness for me. They're the ones marked in bold. Which would you choose?

May we all find the strength to make the decision for forgiveness when needed and then to act upon that decision.

Time vs. Life

(January 5, 1999, 1:32 p.m.)

As time goes by we learn it isn't the speed with which we do our work, but the quality of time that makes life an accomplishment.

How much do we enjoy working, or playing, or just resting? Schedules and deadlines take up most of what we do. We seldom have time to enjoy something for the sake of doing it.

If we feel pressured, we have little incentive to enjoy doing anything, much less doing it well. Many who have to sit all day are bored and have nothing to think about except how unhappy they are or how they feel physically.

More time is not the answer.

We need a better quality of life, deeper rest, and it begins with quality attitudes. What we have or what we do not have should never dictate the quality of our lives, or our capacity to simply enjoy.

Some pass without recognition, the grandest of all . . .

Peace, Tawanka

Singing days

I've been singing a lot these days. I've always heard - and completely believe - that sometimes song is the only way that you can communicate with The Great Spirit. Certainly doesn't mean I can sing; just means that I am. Here's what's been in my heart today:

Lead, Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom Lead Thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home --Lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene -- one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, no pray'd that

Thou Shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path, but now

Lead Thou me on! I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will: remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still

Will lead me on, O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till

The night is gone;

And with the morn those angel faces smile

Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.

- Cardinal John Henry Newman

Peace

(January 4, 1999, 3:19 p.m.)

The owls call to each other early on a mid-winter evening. Just as the last rays of sunlight sink into a rosy glow, a silence settles over the countryside. For a short time, everything is hushed. In that near-dark hour, the wind lays and no sound is heard --as though the whole forest listens.

The moment is brief as daytime creatures find their nests and those of the night begin to awaken. It is time to rest from our own activity, to find a quiet hour to let pressures ebb away.

One of the greatest wonders is the rhythm and order of nature. But even greater is the flexibility of human nature -- that we can move, think, project, plan and see all of it in perspective. And as the day wanes, we can put it all down and take on the peace of nature.

Heed little the melancholy nights that keep tune with sorrowful thought.

Peace, Tawanka

Grandma

(January 4, 1999, 1:08 p.m.)

Sometimes great distances exist between the high points of our lives. Time moves swiftly and we tend to let it slip away without making it count while we wait on another high experience. We discount it as nothing, unless we have reached some spectacular height and have passed ten other people on the way.

The Indian does not consider himself idle when he stands still watching, listening, seeing the stars, or watching the sunset. His "spirit-eyes" absorb these signs and wonders to feed him when he cannot see the rolling hills, the flowing streams.

A narrow view is one that constantly asks, "What shall we eat? What shall I wear? What can make me feel secure? " And all the time, the beauty and peace which costs nothing surround us unnoticed. Envy and lack of inner joy rob us of our peace of mind.

O, listen! Hear! Sing with me, for I am joy.

Peace, Tawanka

Things that went right today

"Sometimes more than others/

You see who and what and where/

You are . . ."

- Jimmy Buffett, Tonight I Just Need My Guitar, Far Side of the World, 2002

It's been an odd day, but I've realized that there were quite a few great things today as well. The great things show me more precisely who and what and where I am - and I'm very happy about that.

Here's the list . . .

(a) Realizing that some writer from the Business Journal thinks that everyone who reads the Business Journal knows what "je ne sais quoi" means. I can't believe the editor didn't catch that paragraph and make him rewrite it. I think it's pretty funny.

(b) Lunch with my friend Amanda and a really great mushroom swiss burger at Jay's.

(c) A really long, really awesome email from my friend Ashley.

(d) Cancelling the meeting I had tonight.

(e) Not having to go to the symphony tonight, because Jess said whatever I wanted to do was great, and I really didn't want to go to the symphony.

(f) The really nice email from my mom and the great conversation I had with her later in the evening.

(g) The high-fives and wows that I heard from my big bosses when they saw the interactive map that we launched today. (No link, I try to keep work out of the blog. If you don't know where I work already, I'm not telling.)

(h) The high-fives and wows that I heard from my big bosses when they saw the Dining web page that we launched today. (No link. See above reason at g.)

(i) My direct boss mentioning that I was great hire in front of both of them.

(j) Knowing that my friends are awesome - and having great proof of it today. "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life."

(k) Having a great discussion with my cousin/sister-in-law and realizing how much I miss her.

(l) Talking with so many people who evidently love me.

(m) Spicy guacamole.

(n) The long walk with Jess around Ardmore.

(o) Chamomile tea.

(p) A fairly decent discussion with my husband.

(q) Finding flea medicine for the cat in the pet drawer, after thinking there wasn't any there.

(r) Hearing my sister's voice on my voicemail.

(s) The free stuff coupon from Vickie's in the mail when I got home.

(t) Knowing that even though my duck is on the fritz, he's on his way to rehab, which means he's on his way back that much quicker . . . although I'm already ready for him to be back.

(u) Feeling lots, lots better in the evening than I did in the morning and knowing that tomorrow's probably going to be a pretty good day, too. At least that's the plan.

Grandma's Thoughts

(January 4, 1999, 7:02 a.m.)

When something in our minds rings a bell that warns us, we do well to listen. What is it that wants to lure us away from the chosen path? Is it not from the good side? Then, run like a rabbit!

Every one of us has a sounding board, a testing place that detects the way we are moving. Like a compass, it points the right way-----and we are foolish not to understand. To ignore the impressions that are within us is like trying to go through a door, but refusing to use the doorknob.

IT is one thing to be dense and another to be willfully determined to get lost in the wilderness. Listen to the alarm system. It is there for a good reason------and later we won't have to say that something told us not to go a certain way and we didn't listen.

"He hears voices others do not hear; sees visions that confirm his dreams."

Peace, Tawanka

What would you ask for?

At the end of this week, in true INFJ style, I certainly personified these two traits:
- Take their commitments very seriously
- Have very high expectations for themselves.

Go figure. This manifested itself through my need to be superwoman, again. I probably did much, much more than I should have for the Joint Area Meeting for the tourney.

Scratch that. I DID do much, much more than I should have. I'd list exactly what, but that's not the point. In any case, the work was noticed by those who needed to notice and was certainly appreciated, to the point where I was told to "name my price."

Hmm . . . what an interesting concept. I've also never really been one who asks directly for what I want (something I'm trying to learn to overcome), but in this case, I've got no idea of what I might want to ask for it.

Honestly, not many ideas float through my head when I'm as tired as I've been in the last three days (the fact that I slept for three hours when I got home at lunch today should tell you how much sleep I've missed this week). I quickly dismissed two ideas, simply because they were such poor ones, but then again, when you're running on such little sleep, you tend to think only about the necessities: sleep, food, sex, a clean house, a massage, the hot tub, alcohol . . . there's really just no focus.

(Side note: Odd, isn't it, that such intense focus can leave one so completely without focus a short time later? Wonder if that's why criminals screw stuff up when they're leaving a crime scene - or, in my case, why follow-up on projects sometimes takes forever to actually complete.)

I've responded to the request with this: "You decide, because when and if I figure something out, it'll probably be less than I should ask for and you're indebted enough that you'll probably over-deliver." We'll see if that theory turns out to be true.

So, what would you ask for?

Grandma, again x2

(January 3, 1999, 3:47 p.m.)

You know, I'm really sorry that you and () broke up. I really did like him when I was there last year. Maybe it's because he treated me like a human being, and not just an "old lady" to put up with.

I hope everything works out for you. You're much too young to carry a burden like this on your shoulders.

Please remember that you are loved.
Grandma

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(January 3, 1999, 8:30 p.m.)

Alexander Pope recognized the simplicity in the Indian's beliefs. Though all tribes are rich in symbolism to express what they believe, we all basically believe in One God, One Creator, One Great Loving Spirit over all.

The Indians had their Father-Creator who was Yowah, the unity of three beings. The name Yowah was so sacred that only certain priests were allowed to say it. This same innate belief lives in each of us if we can only uncover it.

Worship is of the heart, deep, joyous, personal. It is a life-current between each of us and our Creator. We can wrongly destroy ourselves, but never the love that is beyond our understanding. It is there even when we are too stubborn to receive it.

We perceive a battle between good and evil, and we also perceive good will win.

Peace, Tawanka

Looking for focus . . .

There's been quite a bit of stress in my life recently, to the point that my body decided it needed to tell me to relax! Sheesh. So I've been thinking about what I need to do for me, what I need to do to keep me healthy, wealthy and wise.

Here's the list:
1) Make a list everyday. Stick to it. Don't add to it. Limit the list to 10.
2) Spend at least one night a week in the house doing whatever I want. No lists and no work for this evening. I'll probably spend most of this on the back porch.
3) Start getting my workouts in during the morning. I've got the time. I'm just lazy and don't want to get up earlier than absolutely necessary. The last two weeks have completely wrecked any semblance of a regular workout that I've had. I can feel it, too.
4) Drink more water.
5) Go to bed at a decent hour every night. Maybe by 10:30, which means I'm up past my bedtime tonight.
6) More duck time.
7) Buy a journal and write. (No, this is NOT my journal; remember the Going Dark post? Goes against the new rules.)
8) Make a budget. Follow it. There's so much on the line now, I'm going to get it right this time.

That's it. I'd add "spend more time with good friends," but I seem to be pretty good at that now. We'll see how I do on this for a while.

These days . . .

it turns out, I'm figuring out a lot of what I want and need in my life through epiphanies. For example, the recent epiphany about wanting kids (yep, this is in direct contrast to my earlier thoughts about such), the recent epiphany about needing to tell my parents about the drama in my life, and the epiphany this morning that I want to garden, so I suppose I'll be gardening this Saturday morning.

All these epiphanies are hard to get used to. Makes me wonder what's coming at me next.

More from Grandma below . . .

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(January 3, 1999 - 3:30 p.m.)

The earth is too small for all the lonely people to have missed each other completely. But the voice of loneliness seems to persist and deepen with every hour.

The Indian elder teaches the young person, "Learn to know and like yourself. Learn to be your own best friend." Learn the art of enjoyable solitude-----of having lunch with yourself and being comfortable about it. A person alone is unique. A lonely person shows it in his haunted stare.

Sometimes loneliness comes because we have not made room for anyone else. We need to stretch beyond our boundaries, step out of familiar territory, stop nursing emptiness and self-indulgence. Loneliness is looking for something to fill a void. Joy is expanding so that others want to share our lives.

May your way be blessed with life by the unifying force of the Great Holy Spirit.

Peace, Tawanka

Up much too late . . .

seeing if I can't make a decent video montage of stuff I've figured out how to get off of YouTube. We'll see how it goes.

'Course, I have a PC, which just means I think of things like this:

because I really probably ought to have gotten a Mac.

Anyway, here's the next installment from my grandmother, Tawanka:
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(January 3, 1999)

Dare to believe in miracles. Look beyond the mud on the windshield, beyond the impossible, and know life is more than anguish and stress. Reach out to someone, when your heart is too heavy to feel the sunlight or to taste the rain. Rid yourself of dark thought and melancholy. Open your mind to fresh air, to the unlimited music in your soul.

Thoreau wrote of waking in the night to hear a strain of music dying away------travelers singing. He said his whole being was so expanded and infinitely and divinely related that he knew how narrow his own thinking had been.

The Indian always teach their young to listen. We hear not the crash of cymbals or the noise that rides the airwaves------but the sweet song of the meadow, the even rhythmic sounds of nature. It is here where the angel sings.

Speak to yourself in spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.

Peace, Tawanka

Drama . . .

That's perhaps the best way to describe my life right now, and you'd learn more about it, but it goes against those rules I created for my blog when I went dark, so that's not happening.

Ergo, here's the first of Grandma's Posts. She and I had about six months where we emailed every day, and she had some amazing words of wisdom. Turns out, some of them are resonating with me these days. Amazing woman, she was; she died several years ago. She was 1/2 Chickasaw Indian, and her dad's name for her was Tawanka. I'm not sure what it meant, but I'll see if I can find out.

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(January 2, 1999)

Nothing is so bedraggled and beaten down as a garden in winter. It promises nothing, and shows only wilted, gray and soggy leaves. There are no straight defined rows, no hint of green to show that it will ever be any different. But the Indian knows the difference.

Long before winter------in the season of planting, we sowed the best seeds we could. As tiny and insignificant as they look, they will produce. When the best is planted and watered and cared for, the time will come to see the increase----to see a miracle.

Life can be renewed and restored. Bedraggled and ridden down as life can be, don't despair. Plant good words, plant good seeds. Nurture them with warm attention and care. Be a perennial believer and watch those first warm rays of sunlight awaken your garden to the Season of the Green Corn.

Sweet grasses and seeds serve as perfume for body and spirit.

Peace, Tawanka